My Name Is Dr Owen Harper
by PussyWillowCat
Summary: My name is Dr. Owen Harper, and I have taken it upon myself to observe my teammates. Jack/Ianto Gwen/Owen implied Toshiko/Owen
1. Chapter 1

**A/N Hello, readers! This is one of my first Torchwood fics. I hope you like it! I am at the end of season two right now, and frankly I'm a bit afraid to finish it. Apparently, Owen and Tosh die, which royally sucks because I adore Owen! Also, did anyone else squeal a bit when Gwen found Jack and Ianto going at it? (Not that I'm a Janto fan. I am a total Gwen/Jack Gwen/Owen Gwen/Ianto and pretty much Gwen/anyone. Though that doesn't mean I don't enjoy a good Janto fic though!) **

**Fic I recommend: Basically anything by Laura x Tennant if you like 10/Rose, or GwenOwenForever, if you like Owen/Gwen Anyways, enough of my little rant! On to the story!**

October 3rd, 2007 I, Owen Harper, by far the most good looking and sexiest worker in Torchwood, have taken it upon myself to observe my ridicoulsly handsome boss and baby faced coffee man, or, as I affectionately call him, Tea-Boy. Why would I, Owen Harper, an accomplished doctor and well versed womanizer, waste time inspecting my co workers, you may ask? Well, since today my co workers, for some very unsmart reason, left me here while they went off to fight various aliens, I was bored. Tea-Boy was the only one left here to suffer with me. It was then that the inspiration hit. So I decided on some experiments to perform to entertain myself. First, I raided Jack's fridge, and stole a pitcher of Kool-Aid and promptly dumped it on Tea-Boy's favorite suit. His reaction is why I am currently hiding under my desk with a Stun Gun. Tea-Boy started to shake and muttered my name along with a few swears, including some new ones that I stored away for later. Oh, no. He's right next to me.

"Ooowwweeeennnn... Here, Owen." I tried not to shake. Tea-Boy can be surprisingly scary when he get all territorial about his suits (and on some occasions, Jack).

"I'll find you, Ooween..." He pulled back my desk chair. I shrieked a very manly scream. Tea-Boy with drew some sort of coffee weapon. I started to back away as he brandished the unidentified object. Fortunately, Gwen walked in before he could use it, giving me time to escape and stare at her legs for a moment.

"Gwen, Owen poured Kool-Aid all over my favorite suit."

I tried to look innocent but failed miserably. Gwen looked at me disapprovingly, but it had no affect,as she looked all pout-y, which is so not fair, because all women know that we can't refuse them when they get all Alpha. It's sexy.

"Owen, don't do these kind of things..." Blah, blah, blah. I tried to look like I was listening and not fantasizing about World of Warcraft. After she made me promise not to do it again, I was able to escape to the autopsy room. Nothing like alien bodies to help the mood.

* * *

October 7th, 2007

Today I tried Experiment Two. I sneaked into our beloved boss's office and poured that strange bottle alien pheromones into his coffee. After I was able to sneak out, I microwaved popcorn and waited for the show to start. Unfortunately, I forgot about Jack's "superior metabolism". Which meant that it had no effect.

"OWEN HARPER!"

I stood impassively next to my desk.

"Yes, sir?" I asked in my most polite voice. He glared at me. Like he already knew I did it, which I did, but that's not the point! He shouldn't assume things.

"Did you put that bottle of alien pheromones in my coffee?"

"No," I denied. He glared at me and then turned to Tea-Boy.

"Ianto, no coffee for him for a week!" I turned in surprise to Tea-Boy.

"You're name is Ianto?" He sighed and left with Jack.

October 11th, 2007 After learning the actual name of my co worker, whom I have known for an unknown period of time, Gwen promptly told me off for be so inconsiderate. Frankly, there are better things to do the learn the names of your friends. Tea-Boy works just fine. Also, I forgot his name. Ian? Danny? Something like that... I conducted another experiment on Tea-Boy. I took his beloved coffee machine and hid it in the Hub somewhere, I forgot where. He started to cry when he saw that it was gone. It was hysterical. He kept blabbering on about how he loved "Karen" and how she would be missed. After catching the whole thing on video and posting it on YouTube, I gave him his precious "Karen" back. This resulted in me hiding in the cells with Janet. After about an hour of stroking Janet, I finally felt safe enough to step out of the cells. I sneaked upstairs to my desk and pretended to work, though in reality, I was messaging Gwen. Jack soon realized that neither of us were actually working, so he sent us to capture a Weevil. I, of course, caught it almost instantly.

October 13th, 2007 Today

I experimented on Jack. When he and Gwen left to go do something, I think it involved Daleks? Anyways, Tosh was at her computer, actually working, while Tea-Boy was hiding in the archives. So I stole all of Jack's clothing, which were freakishly alike, and hid them under my desk. After he and Gwen got back, he went up to his office to change. He then came back down, and he was naked. _He was naked._ Gwen started to stared at him, while Tosh did the same. Soon Tea-Boy came up from where ever he was lurking, and everyone stared at Jack. I always thought he was lying when he talked about himself. I guess not, because damn, that was impressive!

"OWEN! DID YOU STEAL MY CLOTHES?!"

I looked at him innocently. "No." Of course, no one believed me, so I was physically forced to get Jack his bloody clothes back.

October 17th, 2007 This time, I decided to be a little more cautious. After everyone went home, I hid in Myfwany's nest. Jack and Tea-Boy went to Jack's office. I watched the CCTV and prepared for a show. An hour later I curled up in Myfwany's nest and almost cried. That was horrific. Tea-Boy's hands... Oh, my God. I would never look at them the same. I almost vomited a little when I remembered what Jack had done with his precious hand that he kept in a tank. I hadn't even known bodies could do that. Tea-Boy must have been a gymnast. I ended this experiment. Please, please, save me.

October 20th, 2007

The next person to observe was my very own co-worker, Toshiko Sato. I stood in the autopsy room and watched her on her computer. She, surpisingly, spent most her time playing solitaire and talking to some named "M". I recorded her conversation.

Tosh: Hello! How are you today?

M: I'm fine. How is that job? It seems so hard for you, darling.

Tosh: Meh, I'm fine. Listen, I've gotta go. Love you.

M: Love you, too, darling!

After this fascinating little piece of virtual talking, I confronted her.

"Tosh! Who is this mysterious "M"?" She stared at me for a moment.

"It's my Mother, Owen." I felt a bit embarrassed after that little tidbit.

"Oh. I knew that!" Tosh just smirked evilly. That night I invited myself, quite politely, over to her house.

"TOSH! I'm coming over for drinks tonight, capeeche?"

"Umm... Okay."

So I went over to her house. After we had some drinks, she went to the bathroom, so I explored her flat. I found a strange amount of photos of me. Strange, if I didn't know any better, I would have thought she liked me. But I did know better, so don't worry.

Soon I left for home and digested this. I decided that one more experiment was in order. The next morning I got to the Hub early and stole Tosh's computer. Not the central one, mind you, but her little personal laptop. While I waited for her to arrive, I browsed her files. I saw a folder of several gigabites of movies. Interested, I clicked it.

I will never ever look at someone's files again. Does Tosh actually enjoy watching this? Why? I should have known Tosh rolled that way, look at the whole Mary fiasco. I don't really care, love is love. But watching this kind of video? Really? Right as I was putting her laptop back where I found it, she walked in a found me. So now I'm locked in a cell with a sedated Janet, who keeps trying to hump me. What worse punishment is there?

October 24th, 2007

The final employee to observe is the one and only, sexy Gwen Cooper. Firstly, I watched as she spent all morning checking her Facebook and streaming Netflix. She seems to have a strange liking for romantic tragedies, such as the Titanic, which made her sob into her purse when she thought no one was looking. I'll admit, I got a little teary eyed when there was the whole death bit. After watching the Titanic, she started to do actual work, which was bloody boring. After that she started to message me. We had a truly delightful conversation about seduction, in which she confessed to leaving fat whats-his-name. Delighted at this fact, I hinted excessively that she could come over. I'm pretty sure she understood. But really, no telling with women.

October 30th, 2007 I finished conducting my experiments

on my employees. I even found out where Tea-Boy goes. There's this little filing cupboard in the archive room, and when I was putting a jar of alien guts away, I found it. It has these little purple blankets all over and a teeny iPod. Weirdly, the only music on it was old show tunes. It vaguely reminded me of Kreacher's den in Harry Potter. I decided to make it even better and left a whole case of porn in it for Tea-Boy. I know he'll love it!

A bit ago I watched the CCTV, and saw what Jack does up in his office. Firstly, I must say that that guy has an impressive porn collection, surpassing even me! He just sits up there and strokes his hand (which I will never look at the same again, due to the night I spent in Myfawny's nest. Shudder) and mutters about blue boxes.

The reason Tosh loves her computer, I think, is because she... Well, there's no nice way to put it, but she had no life whatsoever. Maybe I'll help her with that.

I'm pretty sure Gwen has the most awesome arse. Like, ever. It's all smooth and rounded and cute! Kinda like a baby's head. D'ya know what I mean? This is Doctor Owen Harper, of Torchwood, signing off for now.

A/N There is definitely going to be more of this. Sorry for any OOCness there might have been. Hey, does anyone want to beta my stories? If you would, PM me! °°PussyWillowCat°°


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO

December 11th, 2007

After that little observation back in October, I decided to do it again due to suspicious things that are going on around Torchwood Three.

I was wondering, does Tea-Boy have OCD? I decided to test this. Last October, I left a plate of pizza on desk. Since it's now December, I remembered it when Gwen complained about her desk and how it's freakishly clean. I realized that that piece of pizza is still living on my desk! I named it Tony.  
"Tony, Tony, Tony?" I said, where could it be? I lifted up an old blue print to the building from six years ago, and lo and behold, there Tony was! I was about to leave him there, but I admit, I have gotten a wee bit attached to it. I mean, it's so cute and fuzzy and blue! After a long, tearful goodbye, I left poor Tony alone to die to Tea-Boy's alien industrial strength disinfectant spray.

December 14th, 2007

We are gathered here today to witness and to mourn the early death of Tony Pepperoni Harper. You were a benefit to the community of Deskville, OwenHarperState. You will be sorely missed, Tony Pepperoni Harper. Farewell.

I wished goodbye to Tony and held a mini funeral for him on my desk. I even assembled all the pens and crap so that they all looked like they were part on an actual funeral! But then I had to take it all down, since Tea-Boy started hanging around and looking a bit shifty.

December 17th, 2007

Today I was innocently dissecting an alien and thinking about boobs when Jack was like,  
"Owen, stop thinking about breasts and work!"  
I swear, the man must be Dumbledore's son, or maybe he is Dumbledore. He knows everything! When I shared this idea with Gwen, she was like,

"Yeah, and you're Harry Potter," and I was about to say, I'm as awesome as him, but then I remembered that whole bromance between him and Dumbledore, and frankly, who wants to get that close to Jack except Tea-Boy?

Later, I was thinking about nightmares, and I remembered that perverted creepy old man, Bilus Manger. Blimey, he was so disturbing! I still have nightmares... As anyone who knows me should know, I have a strange, unnatural liking for canned bread. I eat it everyday for lunch. Tea-Boy knows this, and keeps several cans in the fridge so they can be nice and cold when I eat them. Bless him. But today, when I went to get one of the cans, there were none left! Horrified, I went to find him in Tea-Boy Den. He confessed to not buying me my canned bread. Dejected and sad, I went back to my desk.

December 19th, 2007

Today I was really, really, bored so I had a little party. I took my fancy pen, the one that's red and has the golden T on it and named it Montague. I then took the crappy pen that I got from a bank and named it Tony after my pizza. I then made a little clique of all the fancy pens.

"Hi, guys. My name's Tony. I'm a pen, see? Am I cool yet?"

"God, Tony, go away. You are not cool!"

"But guys, I'm a pen!"

"Go away, Tony. Nobody likes you." I made the crap pen cry. It was then that I noticed Jack was watching me!

Luckily, Tea-Boy has bought a fresh supply of canned bread. Yay! Now I don't have to eat Jubilee Pizza like Gwen does. How do they even it that much? After eating chilled canned bread, I followed Gwen around and repeatedly asked her to try my canned bread. After about three hours she finally relented to try it. When she took a bite, her face went all splotchy and purple and she started to choke. Jack had to come down and do the Heimlich. Afterwards, Jack asked,

"What happened?" To which Gwen replied,

"I tried Owen's canned bread?"

Jack starts laughing maniacally.

"Ha, newbie! Rule number one: Do not, under any circumstances, try Owen's canned bread."

I felt a bit insulted by this. What was wrong with my canned bread? I observed the can, then saw the expiration date. It had expired seven years ago! I confronted Tea-Boy about this. He just shrugged and continued on cleaning Jack's pants. I went to the grocery store and bought fresh, clean canned bread. Unfortunately, it didn't taste nearly as good. It was all hard and crispy, not soggy and spongey like I liked it. December 26th, 2007

Since yesterday was Christmas, we Torchwood people gave each other presents. I gave Tea-Boy and espresso maker. He got all teary eyed and thanked me by hugging me! Urgh, that had been almost painful. I gave Gwen a necklace, since we're dating and all. She loved it, I'm sure. I gave Jack a watch, not a very fancy one, but a nice-ish one. He agreed to make sure he didn't disappear again. Finally, I gave Tosh a mini flash drive that looked like her face. It wasn't that hard to make, just glued a carboard piece to a flashdrive...

From Tea-Boy I got a gift certificate to Barnes & Noble. Oh, such a great present! Joy.

From Gwen I got a fancy sweater and a pocket watch. Pfft, it's the thought that counts...

From Tosh I got a little phone. She gave the same one to everybody, apparently it was modified. It had a tracker and a bunch of other Torchwoody crap.

And finally, from Jack, I got a Furby! It was cute and fuzzy and blue, and reminded me vaguely of Tony. I named it Harper, then Jack stole my phone away and showed me an app that apparently controls the Furby and tells you what it says... I brought it to work the next day.

"Fee boo bap donk," Harper said. I checked what it said.

"Give man food, arse!" I am shocked! Who taught poor, innocent Harper such a thing?! Of course, only one person would have. Jack bloody Harkness.

"JACK! GET YOUR BLOODY ARSE DOWN HERE!"

I shouted. He came swaggering down the stairs just as Harper went,

"Beep bap foo lonk." Which translated to: "I love you, Owen." Of course, that gave me warm fuzzies. I embraced my Furby.

"Dee lak foo hork." I felt all my warm fuzzies melt away. "Harper! Language!" I scolded him.

"Fonk loo lonk!" Which meant in Furby speak, "Fuck you, Owen!" I picked my Furby up and took it down to the cells and showed it Janet.

"LONK! LONK! LONK!" It screamed. I took pity on it and hid it in my coat. It got all blubbery.

"Lonk, fee beep bap foo lonk." I hugged it. "Aw, I love you, too."

"Foo le lonk." I almost threw it across the room.

December 28th, 2007

My poor, poor Furby is gone. I had it barely two days, when BAM! Goodbye! Jack fed it to a Weevil! How could he? I loved my Harper. Luckily, I was able to shoot Jack, and he was dead for a full five minutes! Yay! Unfortunately, when he came back he tried to kill me. I think he forgot that I was mortal. Heh heh. Toshiko is acting all weird. She keeps glancing at me and then glancing away, blushing. Jack and Tea-Boy had an eyebrow conversation:

Jack: Wiggles eyebrows

Tea-Boy: Flares nostrils

Jack: Raises a single eyebrow

Tea-Boy: Blushes

Jack: Smiles knowingly

Tea-Boy: Raises both eyebrows

Jack: Winks

Tea-Boy: Nods

They then disappeared into Jack's office for an hour, and when they came out they both looked disheveled. Oh. So that's what that was about. Ewww.

December 30th, 2007

Jack has been very, very excited lately about the release of the newest Twilight movie. He and Gwen keep holding hands and jumping up and down, squealing. Today Jack was wearing a Team Edward Tshirt and Gwen was wearing a Team Jacob Tshirt. They glared at each other before conversing about little demon spawns. Tea-Boy was jealous, he kept glancing over at them with a little frown on his face. That was the beginning. The next day, Tea-Boy comes swaggering in covered in sparkles and with newly bronzed hair. His sparkles, that for some reason were glued to his skin, were sending little prisms all around the Hub. Jack came down and saw Tea-Boy's get up. He frowned, and then dragged Tea-Boy into his office where hideuos moans and grunts could be heard. I don't get jealous, thank God. I know Gwen would never leave me and my sex magic for some intergalactic play-boy. Pffftt. As if. Okay, well maybe I get a little jealous, since I didn't let us go to work the next morning.

January 2nd, 2008

Today the Twilight movie came out, so I was forced to go see it with Gwen, Jack and Tea-Boy. Gwen and Jack dressed up. Gwen had put on a hoodie and did her hair in some pushed back way. She spoke a breathy all day. Jack just put on jean and no shirt and spiked his hair and called himself Jacob. I left the movie theater outfitted in a Team Edward tshirt. I can't wait to see the next one! I wonder when it comes out. We went out for lunch before emptying out wallets on buying Twilight merchandise. I got a key chain, a necklace, and a pin with Bella's face on it. Gwen got a hair curler that also had Bella's face on it, so she could look just like her. She then looked at expectantly, but I realized too late that I was supposed to tell her she looked fine like she was. Oops.


End file.
